Bear with me, folks. This has been a long series experiment and this post will be the mother of all posts related to earlier said post. Too much posting? For those of you new to the series, this is, as stated, part four of my examination of 100 attraction principles as outlined in the book Why Men Love Bitches. If I have not stated this before, I should note for the record (is there really a record?) that I have not read the book. Nor do I intend to because such books nauseate me. However, I do understand that there are men and women schlepping this pebble who don’t feel they have the world’s greatest insight on relationships and hope that these manifestos will help them bone up. I can tell you from 40 years of experience in dealing with the male-female dictum that you will never, not by the end of your life, get it. Relationships are the most fluid entity on the planet and no matter how many “rules” one might lay out for how to deal with the opposite sex, they are not universal because they deal with emotion and feeling which are as unique to you as fingerprints. Alas, my job is to provide the catalyst for discussion and thought provocation. I hope you find that here.
You can find Part one of the series here. And part deux. And part the third.
76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.
This is always an interesting discussion. Finance, more than any other aspect of merging lives, causes the most downfall – people do not communicate well about money. Especially in relationships. But the short version answer for advice is that what you make is not as important as what you do. If you have a job and its just that – a vehicle to pay the bills, don’t sweat it. A lot of us go that route, especially early in our work life. If you have a passion rather than a job, make sure you demonstrate that passion and he will respect you because you have respect for your chosen passion. If he doesn’t, dump him like a sack of rotten peaches.
77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.
You shouldn’t accept mistreatment. This is not just a female thing, however, and it goes back to self-esteem.
78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.
Again, surrender is merited when both parties surrender to one another. He won’t feel you are at his mercy if he treats your respectfully as his mother hopefully taught him to do. If he Lords things over you, ditch him.
79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.
I call BS on this. In the male world, we may not want to make love to our sisters, but the fact that our sister is passingly attractive does not go unnoticed. Further, if most relationships boil down to the affections we had for parents, we are looking for familiar traits in women that echo the traits in the women we grew up with. Plus, there’s a lot of guys into the submissive woman. That does not mean you should be a doormat, but your cuteness will sometimes go a long way.
80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.
True. Other than maybe a taser. That seems to give women a LOT of power. And a big-ass rottweiler. That gives you a ton of power when men realize that dog’s head is huge, full of teeth, and right at crotch level.
81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.
While I don’t advocate the “baller/scrub” mentality of modern dating, I will say that the rules of attraction can be confounding at times. We may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems like “a hopeless case” and want to work to restore that person to some perceived glory. We must resist this urge because it causes us to fall into co-dependency. But people can be overlooked for what they provide – emotional support, relief, love – simply because they are not career-oriented or ambitious. Thus, this line must be walked carefully.
82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.
Many cases have been made for the independent woman. I would suggest that if you are looking for a man because you need to pay rent, you need to move back in with your parents and stop looking for men.
83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.
Actually, it’s a lot of things that will keep him turned on. Sure, independence will be attractive to some. So will laughter. Eagerness in the bedroom. Care. Compassion. Athletics. Love of dogs. Don’t stress too much over this.
84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”
I’m not sure this is correct, though it has the probability of signaling that something is wrong. Or the fella has just been hurt by other independent, strong women. That doesn’t make him a robber; it makes him cautious.
85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.
86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.
As long as you can walk the fine line between independent and distant, sure. But forcing yourself to be independent in order to gain respect or to prove that you are your own woman is simply forcing yourself to be someone you may not be. And you are putting on a front for him that might be confusing. Being independent is one thing; trying to be independent is altogether something else.
87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.
And if you bury a statue of a Catholic saint in your front yard, your house might sell faster. I’m not sure where wisdom like this comes from. If you are excited about something, be excited. Genuine emotion is all too rare.
88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.
I honestly think I have seen this earlier in the 100. But men, actually, do respond to words. We just don’t use as many as women do. But we do listen to what you say, especially if you couch it in a way of saying “This is what matters to me.”
89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.
Don’t tolerate bad behavior.
90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.
It depends on the context. We like women who go into overdrive sometimes. But if you are being false, if you are being disingenuine about how you feel in order to create yourself as something you are not, he will leave you. And he should.
91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.
92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.
Often, the best way to fix a problem is to be honest about a problem. If you don’t think you are seeing your man enough, don’t do something stupid to get his attention like stop communicating with him. If he feels he has to up and “fix” the relationship all the time, it will become that never-ending project like the muscle car in the garage. He’ll see it as work and he’ll let dust gather on it.
93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.
94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.
Depending on what you are saying. “I just pushed your Grandma down the stairs” isn’t particularly well-received in either format and both should freak him out.
95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.
If you are with a man who considers you a conquest rather than a potential partner, you need to walk away. Right. Now.
96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.
Actually, women use this descriptor for men as well. The “mystery” is what keeps women coming back. Mystery, rather than true intimacy, leads to insecurity.
97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness.
At the same time, we want our women to be proud of us. No matter the situation, we want to believe that you believe in us because that can lift us higher than a thousand compliments from men. We long to know you have our back and that it’s “us against the world.”
98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.
99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.
On the other hand, most truly powerful people have earned respect before they walk in the door.
100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.
It occurs to me that the author of Why Men Love Bitches has had a romantic life that can be described, at best, as tumultuous. It also strikes me that she runs in a circle of highly professional men who have a leaning towards aloofness, career-drive, and nightly romantic conquests. Of course, I could be way off base, but this is the general feeling I get as I read through 100 points of disdain for women who are perceived as weak. But we must remember that the perception of weaker women is one that lingers from our caveman days when the roles of hunter-gatherer men and women who birth, raise and cook were the societal ideals. I am sure that the first priestess in those groups to emerge was reviled as breaking all the male-created stereotypes of the day. It also probably turned on a number of the menfolk. Just sayin.
The bottom line to relationships is respect, but that is such a nebulous idea when two people are entering the dating arena. It’s a an uneasy position for both of them fueled by feelings they can’t quite define. It’s like standing on a rope bridge made out of wax; it seems firm and may hold our weight but our foot might go right through the bridge on the next step. Or it could be a hot day and bridge is melting. Insert any of a dozen wax-related analogies here. The truth is that we never know what we are doing so we must endeavor to raise up the person across the dinner table from us. If we all start from a position of mutual respect and slowly reveal ourselves, we should be well-received. If we are not, that person is not right for us. Overthinking something like relationships that exist only in the most tenuous of positions can move you into a constant state of worry. In doing so, you abandon yourself and strive to be someone you think the other person wants you to be. But that’s often a false read on the situation and leads to more pain that you could ever imagine. The other person will eventually suss out what you are doing and feel like you have put up a false front, which you did. When they confront you, you will feel betrayed because you put so much effort into the relationship.
You both end up feeling stung.
So, to sum up:
Men: Respect her at all times. Listen to her. Protect her. Show her affection. Above all, be honest with her and toss out all of these notions of what you think women should be and appreciate the amazing creature she is.
Women: Stop playing stupid games. We hate it. We’re not some project that needs to be manipulated for us to love and respect you. We are guys. And despite the stereotypes, we can listen, respond and care without some underlying ploy. Don’t ever – and I mean ever – base your self-worth on the opinions of other people. You are magical, wonderful, intelligent, sexy, beautiful and courageous. And if anyone tells you otherwise, set that Rottweiler i mentioned earlier on them.